the excitement of another grandchild

i have enough love for all the children my children will give me, and then some.  i have tried to imagine myself with miss charlotte and another gbaby and dividing my time and myself to make sure each feels the special love i will have for each one. it was such a shock when the call came at 1am that friday nite well saturday morning i should say. and then to be the one to go with ashley for the first ultrasound. hearing that precious heart beating, seeing that jelly bean on the screen, such a special moment. that new life, coming into our lives. i worry for all my children, but to think will becoming a father== oh how over whelming and financially challenging their life is already. and then there is the child that will is not the father of, but tries so hard to be the father figure that tyler needs and deserves, ,,  please watch over all my children.  restore virginia to the best heath, give amanda the strength and patience it takes to raise a child, please a husband, survive a new job, and be the woman she is proud of,   and most of all, i need trey. i need him well.  i need him for me to be . for me to exist and for me to be healthy, for me to have my life, i need him.  without him i do not know who i am.
i want to be the best gigi= granny.  i can hardly wait for the moment another life begins for me. and gbaby is in my arms in my world.
just me, jb

yes i am selfish so what?

why do the days go by so fast now when there are still the same number of minutes in everyday? i really can not see what is different -- i wanted each of my children as much as i do this grandchild, and i do not remember being so tired or stressed that the days drug on. when i worked, it is more of a blur except when something extraordinary changed our daily routine. truthfully - i am ashamed that i recall so little of my children's milestones and precious firsts.  i have lost the ability to hear their little voices. i wish i had recorded the sounds so that it would not leave me. i wish i had the same technology then as we do now. i wish i could have made as many photographs and as good as the photographs to help my aging mind. but what does this rambling have to do with time?  i don't want to miss a moment that i could be spending with miss charlotte. i want her to want to go to gigi's house. i want to be her soft place to land and her friend.  i do not like the feeling i have when it blends one day into the next and another week is gone and soon a month. same goes for sofia! she is growing into a nice young lady and doesn't come to visit nearly enough. and while  she is here i have less and less to keep her entertained because it is no longer the case that she has things here that she doesn't have at home or with her best friends. and my son chosing fishing over family gathering,  and chosing his girlfriend over his sister or his guy friends from middle and high school.   i am selfish i know.  i want the best for eveyone, and i want everyone to be the happiest they can be, every day.  maybe in the back of my mind i know there are wonderful times to come but i have less time to have those.  i want to be there in everyway. in person in mind in spirit  and in the best of times and the hard ones.    if my mind is gone a long time before my body, i hope there will be fond memories of the times they spent  with me.  yes  i have always been selfish why would i change now?  maybe another day, but not today.  just being me, jbp